you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
