my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
