I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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