def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
