Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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