His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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