at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
