i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
