my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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