I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
