I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
