why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
