i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
