My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
