the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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