textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
