I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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