Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
