this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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