We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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