if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
