no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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