whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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