I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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