god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
