i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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