I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
