I wish I could teleport
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
