great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
