you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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