I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
