I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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