Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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