just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
