Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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