his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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