Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
