I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
