ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
