Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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