GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
