I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
