youre lurking in front of me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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