I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
