I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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