i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
