my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you didnt know i had herpes?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
