My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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