Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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