Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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