PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
