Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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