every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
