Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We have so much sex to catch up on
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
