Your dad touched me again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
