Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Someone shit on the floor
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
