I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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