I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
