as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Help. Why am I so naked?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
